troubleshooting (select from the following numbered categories):
I don’t consider myself a leader, or I don’t think of leadership as the Power to Create.
Try on the identity of a leader who has Power to Create.
You have enough Power to Create to read to this point in the book.
Find ways to increase your power.
Take a walk -- clear stress, encourage the relaxation response, and improve access to your power supply.
Find a limiting belief and improve it.
For example, if uncomfortable when talking with the boss, ask yourself what might you believe to feel that way?
If you feel unsafe, give yourself proof that you are safe, or do something about your life to make that true.
If you are incompetent in an area of your work, learn what is necessary to become fully competent.
Find and complete an improvement project.
Clean one cluttered drawer that you have ignored.
Help your child overcome one school challenge.
Envision a really small improvement in your life and put it in place (finance, relationship, work, etc.).
Have an honest conversation with someone.
I don’t feel like I am creating to my potential.
Our creative power supply is always available if we troubleshoot the other areas of the human complex that get banged up and stop this flow.
In the third book, visioning and executing exercises will help free you to do the steps to creating.
This can back you into handling the human complex impediments.
If you know there is an impediment and you can’t find the problem on your own, find an experienced person to help you.
This could be a coach, a therapist, or an honest friend.
The more I read, the more overwhelmed I get. My life needs a major overhaul!
You are in good company.
I recommend baby steps and giving yourself a celebration with each one you take.
An infant’s smaller attempts to walk are encouraged and celebrated until he is transformed into a toddler.
Take each of your steps, accumulating them until they transform your life.
Do something special for yourself, like making a meal that you know you love.
Start 1 or 2 daily habits that you think you might do after resetting.
Walks, self-care, learning about healing, nutritious eating.
Find one support person to help you.
The information you are sharing doesn’t feel right to me.
I am sharing my experience.
Don’t let that present any threat to your experience of life.
It is a great idea to listen to yourself without projecting onto me.
Am I ready to improve some aspect of my life?
Am I willing to be uncomfortable in the process?
Will I do what it takes to make the change?
Will I take full responsibility for my actions?
As the captain of your own ship, you need to take control of what and when you learn.
I don’t feel like I want to create more in my life.
If you are already fulfilling your creative potential, expanding where you can in life, and society is benefiting from your empowering contributions, then you would likely not feel this way.
A healthy human experience often makes us want to continue to learn and expand. +10 leadership is akin to a first black belt. We are competent creators who empower.
Then we have fun creating even more!
Troubleshoot the 3 areas of unconsciousness and “stuck dials” on the control panel.
"When I start a project, do I feel fear that makes me want to quit?" Get a trauma expert to help you.
"Do I feel fear doing a specific responsibility at work or home that I haven’t been taught?" Learn it!
"What if my courage has gone down instead of up as I am getting older."
Do something that you feel would require courage.
Get a book and take yourself to lunch or dinner.
Practice and do a speech for a crowd whom you know will appreciate it.
Sign up for and run a 5K.
Celebrate your accomplishment.
Review the mechanics of creating in Book 3.
Be very kind, gentle, and patient with yourself.
This is work!
Bear in mind that a ship is changing course!
Exercise self-compassion, Captain.
I don’t know what comparison looks like when it is hurting us.
If we compare by assessing others as a role model and challenge ourselves and others in a healthy way that supports all involved, that is a great use of healthy comparison.
But it is rare.
In our society, we are living the definition of comparison based on power-stealing competition, where most are left in worse condition because of the interaction.
Picture this scenario: I am living my life and happily enjoying my 2 kids, in my 3-bedroom house, married to my loving husband, and glad to go to work daily.
Each month, I enjoy watching the growth of the kids, the successes of my husband, and the creative endeavors that are so fulfilling in my life.
I can continue to do this, expanding the health and power of my human complex and what I create in the world around me.
Enter an unhealthy comparison.
Suddenly, my neighbor with a 4-bedroom house tells us how he was promoted and bought a car that only those who have “made it” in life can drive.
Find and change the places where you have adopted others’ comparisons, including those of society, to your detriment.
"Do I feel worse about myself with certain people, shows, commercials, or magazines?"
"If I had nothing to lose, what would I want in life?"
"Where can I release my unhealthy comparisons and be more fulfilled?"
Help! I am comparing myself and I can’t stop!!
If I am unaware of the components of my human complex, I can get programmed to believe that others are behaving at a standard that I must adopt.
Advertisements may reinforce this.
I start judging my husband to be an underachiever.
I judge myself as a poor mother.
I begin disliking my job.
Unhealthy comparison happened.
It can lure us away from the most powerful versions of ourselves, in which we create at our best levels.
If steeped in comparison down to negative levels on the leadership score, increase your power to create toward your version of a +10 leader.
Practice valuing yourself for being you, with no regard for accomplishments.
We’re all just big kids who could use some extra love and caring!
What is in your life that makes you grateful?
If no one was watching and you couldn’t see what others were doing, what would you want for yourself?
Power to create will make you comfortable enough to never compare with someone else, keeping in mind the aspects that make our society a civil one in which to live.
Find every place where you are reduced by your comparisons and get clear about what YOU want instead.
Power increases when we run our own race.
My resilience level is getting lower as I am getting older.
This can become a common occurrence in our 30s, 40s, or 50s.
Imagine what it would be like to see what limiting beliefs and traumas are doing to us in a visible form.
If the “invisible” were depicted by a person, he might become more bound by ropes that represent his beliefs, finding movement more and more difficult.
He could have heavy loads stacked on him from his traumas.
But because these ropes aren’t visible, they can seem unreal.
They become visible when you train the “eye” to see them.
Create a relaxing self-care routine.
Epsom salts baths, saunas, meditation, plenty of sleep, nutritious food, gentle exercise, connection with friends or support members, trauma expert, etc.
Get professional support to resolve the traumas and beliefs that are reducing the recovery of the nervous system.
We will look at EFT with Matrix Reimprinting.
Work with a coach or therapist to set up a life that fosters resilience.
My bucket seems to be missing a lot of education.
The driver’s seat in the human complex requires enough competencies in our “experience recorder” to take on new challenges without overwhelming the nervous system.
Use a gap analysis for your creative endeavors.
For example, if you are trying to become healthier, look at the details of your vision and your current state.
Clarify, with honesty, as much information as possible about the vision and the current state.
Deconstruct the future situation into components and do the same with the current situation.
Solve your challenge skillfully setting up goals and actions that will overcome the gap between the two situations -- bringing the vision into being.
Become a student of the area for which you seek competence.
In this example, study various nutrition programs, cleansing, and exercise to attain physical health.
Josh Kaufman has a TEDx talk and a book titled The First 20 Hours.
Invest 20 minutes into his talk or a few hours into his book on rapid skill acquisition.
You can save thousands of hours while supporting yourself to competently fulfill your potential.
I have a belief that it is difficult to learn.
Because beliefs are ideas that we have adopted and supported by our reasoning, we can start knocking out the supports for the belief.
The example of a belief like “it is difficult to learn” can be changed.
Challenge this belief by remembering several times when it was easy for you to learn.
Set up a reasonable challenge that proves you can learn easily when you set it up well.
Learn to sew a button, learn to do a single yoga pose, follow one simple recipe to create a meal, find one feature in the car’s owner’s manual which you didn’t know was there, or draw pictures.
The more that we challenge and knock out any support for the old belief, the more our nervous system and mind begin to adopt new beliefs like...
“I can learn anything when I set it up well.”
Some of the deeply programmed beliefs that aren't changed as easily by challenging them can be adjusted in doing EFT and Matrix Reimprinting work.
I am not conscious of my meanings and stories.
Look at the world around you for a moment.
Understand there is no meaning assigned to it.
For example, if you are drinking a coffee, the mug that contains the coffee is just a mug.
If we want to say the mug is “good” -- a meaning -- that has nothing to do with the mug. We could easily say that the mug is bad.
Still doesn’t make a difference to the mug, the world, or anyone else.
That meaning only affects you.
You affect others if you are unconscious of these meanings.
Recognize that we are constantly assigning these meanings and making stories about how things are in the world.
But they aren’t that way in the world.
They are ONLY that way in our programming.
Think of a situation that is uncomfortable for you.
Ask yourself what meaning you gave to the situation.
An example: My boss is being less communicative with me.
I ask myself and decide it means I am not doing my job well.
(Turns out he had a personal problem. Oops!)
We tend to like to hang around with people who have similar programming, making it look like our stories and meanings are truer than they are.
Have coffee with someone from a different background.
Appreciate their stories of life.
The world is a scary place to be for me.
Stories are fantastic ways to communicate a message to symbolically teach the nervous system and the mind.
And meanings can be very moving emotionally.
Both are tools.
On the one hand, stories can show how the human complex can be challenged and become stronger -- great lesson.
On the other hand, they can tell us that the world is scary, unsafe, competitive, or that we aren’t enough.
Obviously, this is not a great use since these beliefs change our programming.
Find a positive meaning in the experiences of life.
At least I shared a deep friendship before she moved.
Although I was laid off, I learned a lot from my job.
Resolving traumas made me more self-compassionate.
Adopt beliefs in the form of stories and meanings that will shape the way you want to see the world.
Choose your stories!
Realize you are projecting your meaning on the world, but you are the one who ends up
keeping the meaning you created.
We may chuckle about the curmudgeon down the street, but you can imagine how many unconscious meanings and stories that person told about the world around him to arrive at that state.
I have “high standards,” but I feel like that may be hurting me and others around me.
While rules and expectations can represent standards -- or perhaps more accurately, boundaries -- they aren’t always good.
Life is never quite so cut and dry.
The edge of our comfort zone is represented by everything that is still programmed in our nervous system, including disappointments in early childhood.
Inspect your rules and expectations.
Find where you are disappointed.
See if you have a rule or expectation that is supportive -- or not.
Do you expect someone to come over who said they are unable to?
Your expectation would breach their boundary.
Ask someone else or do something else!
If “external changes” in life seem like they will make you happier, you will find internal work to be done to become more fulfilled.
I want to handle my traumas and hard-wired beliefs.
The nervous system is always trying to work through the unresolved traumas.
When we behave more resourcefully in a new circumstance that resembles the traumatic scene in some way, we may be able to resolve some of the old impact to the nervous system.
Take a deep breath and let the old stored emotions find their way out of the system without trying to change it with a drink or a movie.
It is attempting to finish “digesting” the emotions that got stuck during the trauma.
This is a method of “chipping away” at the old traumas.
If you want to speed up the process greatly and improve your awareness about the overwhelming situations, do EFT with Matrix Reimprinting with a practitioner.
This can be a complete method to handle both the bullets and the baggies – including beliefs -- associated with traumas.
Read Transform Your Beliefs, Transform Your Life to educate yourself about traumas.
Look at the CDC-Kaiser study about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).
This can be a motivator to do the work.
Find a therapist who is a trauma expert.
Educate yourself on trauma so you can find a qualified one – this can be rare.
There are solutions, but you must look for them.
Spend more time creating, which makes use of intelligent and flow modes.
can be healing for the nervous system.
I have had overwhelmingly positive experiences that I have been trying to reproduce for years.
Overwhelmingly positive experiences can create the same situation in our mind and nervous system that traumas create.
Anytime we are overwhelmed within a positive or negative circumstance, our nervous system bookmarks the experience and the recording is programmed more vibrantly in the subconscious mind.
In that case, our programming didn’t support us to be present enough to observe the situation and let it pass, just like any other situation would.
This “positive” -- but unconscious recording -- is running in the background, creating tension and searching for situations that can approximate the peak moment again.
This can set us up for repetitive or addictive behaviors to fulfill an unconscious need to experience this peak again.
This can often be found and resolved with EFT and Matrix Reimprinting work.
Work on increasing intelligent and flow modes while overcoming any areas of stuck autopilot mode.
Do you have a belief that says daily life is mundane without that peak experience?
Perhaps, create a belief that you “enjoy the little things in life” and act on that belief by smiling at a flower, a child’s giggle, or even a red light!
I see where the dials on my control panel may be stuck.
This means that the competencies of specific character muscles have not been strengthened.
Some of them are dependent on others.
If courage is down, then we often can’t take responsibility.
If we can’t take responsibility, we can’t see what we are doing to create an adverse situation.
Dial up courage step-by-step.
Think of 5 small steps that would take courage.
A phone call, a project, an action, an apology, etc.
Select one that is relatively safe and do it. Repeat.
It is a muscle.
Find and change beliefs that cause fear-produced reductions in courage and responsibility.
From "I can’t do that." to "I will take the first step."
From "I don’t know." to "I will find out."
Face fears, then increase responsibility until you find what you are doing, as opposed to what others are doing.
For example, instead of blaming a boss who is discouraging me in my work, I would focus on resolving my shortcoming, confronting my boss, or finding a new job.
I look at what I need to do to resolve the situation.
I turned up my courage and responsibility dials, and I need something more to be able to work well with others.
Courage increases our ability to face fear while responsibility increases our willingness and ability to see what is happening in a situation.
With empathy, we can feel what someone else is feeling.
It is a built-in mechanism that keeps us connected to others to avoid hurting them.
Improve your empathy: Darlene Lancer’s eBook, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem is a great tool.
Notice where you have turned down your empathy dial regarding any individual or group.
Low empathy can block an understanding of others’ experiences of life, leading to unsupportive competing in the form of gossip, comparison, prejudice, discouragement, etc.
Look for places where your empathy dial is programmed by society to exclude others:
It’s a dog eat dog world out there.
Thank goodness I am not starving, in poverty, addicted.
Recognize beliefs which strip your power to create with others.
He doesn’t do that as well as I do.
I don’t think I fit in.
I don’t like the way she does that.
Take what helps you to realign yourself with your humanity while eliminating the faulty programming.
If you have deep empathy issues, traumas are the cause and they need to be resolved.
I feel generally “out of control” on my control panel.
Although it can sometimes feel like progress is slow, each change improves all levels of the human complex.
At different points in my process, I have looked back and been surprised and amazed by how much progress had occurred.
Focus on using the courage and responsibility that you create to help you with cleaning up your bucket.
The control panel and bucket work together.
Decide you will work on this by finding a small belief that you change to a more supportive one.
Then use the courage found from that to do something at home or work that you have been putting off.
Use that to propel you to find support.
I would like to do this work faster.
Dials on the advanced section on our control panel help to navigate life in a far more skillful manner.
Some examples of these dials include forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, compassion, and love.
Cultivate forgiveness to resolve stuck places from the past when you decided others, or you, could have done better.
We now know that they, and you, couldn’t have done better because of our programming.
Forgiveness is a dial that helps us to release the places in ourselves that are stuck in blaming mode.
Forgiveness is not about condoning the behavior.
It is about releasing our hold on the blame that is cutting off our power.
Find an example of where you are still holding blame for yourself or someone else.
With what you read in Chapter 2, look at the situation in a new light and see if it softens enough for you to let it go.
Adopt more empowering general beliefs that support resilience in a variety of experiences, behaviors, and people.
We’re all doing our best, based on our programming.
Be grateful whenever possible.
This isn't about being blind to the situations of life or being indiscriminate.
It is about giving yourself enough of an elevation above the fight-or-flight response found in the nervous system in survival mode that you can improve your situation.
It will reduce stress, increasing your power.
We can recover a lot of our power from working with these advanced states.
I feel like shame and guilt keep holding me back.
Various factors drive the emotions of shame and guilt, cutting off the source of creative power.
In early childhood, we may have adopted shame or guilt because of our situation, for which we weren’t responsible.
This one is handled best with support.
Recognize that each of these destructive emotions may be misinterpretations of your responsibility level for past experiences.
With active guilt, you may be taking responsibility for your actions during a past event based on what you would do now.
You couldn’t have done that then.
Programming made you do what you did.
Similarly, with shame, you identified yourself -- not just your behavior -- as wrong.
The devastating nature of identifying yourself with past events when you were less skilled than now, is a direct path to -10 leadership.
Think of a very small current circumstance for which you feel guilt or shame.
With your new learning -- and new levels of ability to take responsibility, look at the situation.
Do you still have a negative feeling?
If so, see if you can remedy it.
If you were not at fault but still feel bad, a trauma practitioner can help.
If you were, use courage to be honest with yourself and resolve the situation with the other person, in whatever way that may be possible.
Guilt and shame cut the power supply.
With this, we feel we must operate competitively in the world.
When we are programmed better…we do better.
I don’t quite understand autopilot and intelligent modes.
Autopilot mode is when we are only engaged in our programmed habits.
This is always running.
Intelligent mode is when we can move past some part of our programming and make a new decision, action, behavior, or direction in life.
It is a big deal to come to the place where intelligent mode can be exercised.
This feature usually separates us from other animals.
It allows us to envision new possibilities and execute them.
I can be plodding along in my life, doing what my earlier programming dictates, and one day I notice something in a new way and act on it.
I continue to do that until my new path no longer resembles my programming.
Use intelligent mode to help you do a task, like brushing your teeth, with the opposite hand.
Do this for a week to see if it gets easier.
This is intelligent mode bringing you into a new habit – changing autopilot mode.
Change a more meaningful habit that you currently have into an improved one for at least 40 days.
Notice when it gets easier as intelligent mode upgrades your autopilot mode.
I want to move out of the stuck autopilot mode.
We have 3 modes of operating.
On the Leadership Score, these would line up something like this:
-10 to -1 Stuck autopilot mode or survival mode
0 to 5 Autopilot and some intelligent mode
6 to 9 Autopilot run by intelligent mode
+10 Flow mode
Work on the 3 areas of your bucket that you see could use attention.
(competencies, beliefs, or past overwhelm)
Ask yourself this question about your human complex, “Who is driving this machine?”
If it is society, media, family, or the boss, then it is time to take back the reins.
Do it as the driver and not as a passenger in your own life.
Clarify how you feel and act from there.
Get clear on what you envision for your life.
Be more conscious about doing what you are doing right now…and right now…and right now.
Consciously make decisions from intelligent mode more often.
This disrupts stuck autopilot mode as a programmed pattern in the nervous system.
I’m a poster child for the Unhealthy Interdependence Model.
Buckets can stay intact when we have an upbringing without serious traumatic events or negative beliefs that reduce our ability to experience the world comfortably.
When this is not the case, our bucket can get cracked, and our creative power supply can leak.
There are people with bucket issues who will show up to take whatever power has leaked, which can cause further issues with our cracked buckets.
Are you doing what you want to do in your life for your own reasons?
Sometimes childhood or adulthood situations can program us to avoid our own needs.
Understanding this can help you find a pathway back to self-esteem and healthy boundaries.
It is a pathway that is certainly worthwhile.
How can you take small steps to begin to improve your self-esteem?
Practice treating yourself as valuable by feeling what you need and satisfying that.
Make your favorite meal.
Take a music lesson that you have wanted to take.
Listen to yourself and do something about what you want from a deep place.
If you can’t hear what you want deep down, practice self-care to relax daily until you can "hear" better.
For further support, read Darlene Lancer’s eBook, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem.
I am constantly defending my bucket. If I am honest, my bucket doesn’t even feel like “me.”
When a child finds it too unsafe to do what their gut tells them to do, or their caregivers force them to take on an identity that "benefits" the caregivers, the child may create a fake bucket.
This type of trauma occurs because of the absence of a healthy environment and attachment with the caregivers.
This is unconscious and the child doesn't know they have created this bucket.
Additionally, sometimes, highly traumatic events can make this phenomenon occur during or after childhood.
The person is operating from a fake bucket that is not plugged into any power source.
They are literally starving for juice in life.
They are more than willing to take the power that leaks from others’ cracked buckets.
And unconsciously they are even willing to take over those buckets when they can.
This can be called
Do you feel the need to control others and see no problem with that? Get support
Do you feel like others who are “weaker” than you deserve what they get? Get support
Find your Dominator behaviors and do some work on them.
The effort will restore your power versus taking others’ leftovers.
You are taking less than you can create -- and you, actually, deserve more.
Start reading different titles from Darlene Lancer.
Learn what you can so you can get out of the trap.
Life is better...
and you deserve it.
I feel like I am losing myself in life.
Buckets can be overtaken.
This usually occurs in childhood.
This person is unconscious about what is going on.
They just know that life seems hard, and they want to get the people that are weighing them down to straighten up.
Because of what has been programmed, they have poor boundaries (cracked buckets).
This can be referred to as
Recognize that Surrenderers and Dominators are like two puzzle pieces that seem to fit together, but nobody is fulfilled.
Codependency for Dummies is a very practical book to educate yourself.
This will help you see that it is NOT about changing anyone else’s behavior.
It is about learning how you feel about something and moving forward on that to take excellent care of yourself.
Work on self-esteem.
What do you want?
How can you give yourself the care that you look for outside of yourself?
That is self-esteem work, and it may have been missing in your original programming.
Take responsibility to live a fulfilled life.
Simply commit to this and take each step that comes.
When you do this work, your “puzzle piece” changes shape, and Dominators don’t notice you.
I can see how I might have both traits, Dominator and Surrenderer.
Let’s face it -- traumas suck, and it would be great if we could eradicate them and stop the pattern of passing them down through generations.
Dominator behavior is usually done to those who exhibit Surrenderer behavior.
It becomes like an unconscious and ineffective 3-legged race for both.
Because the Dominator type no longer has access to their real bucket and power, they can’t create effectively on their own.
They must find those who are vulnerable enough to overtake, or they feel they will not survive in life.
They have identity stealing traumas that are projected on everyone else.
Their fake bucket identity makes them unable to have empathy.
Either behavior – Dominator or Surrenderer – means a lack of checking in with the real feelings you have and acting on those.
Healing this takes courage and is best done with trauma-based therapeutic support.
Find “blameless” education on these subjects. (Darlene Lancer’s books to start).
If you are trying to become your best self, but feel fearful, unsafe, or unworthy, do trauma work for your own sake.
You may be missing important programming and your flow mode.
Do the work.
You’re worth it!!
I had a good upbringing, but there are some people at work who are like this.
Both types of behavior -- Dominator and Surrenderer types -- are on a hyper-autopilot mode that has an extra layer of unconsciousness that makes them unable to see the unconsciousness.
This is coupled with poor boundaries.
These can cause problems for people who are around them.
There are deep responsibility issues, keeping them blind to the negative effects that they are creating.
When you see someone, who is moving too quickly with few boundaries, put in your boundaries – know how you feel and say what is acceptable to you.
Because honesty is often not a productive option with people programmed in this way, If they cross your boundaries consistently, let them go – whatever that means for your situation.
Keep in mind, a Dominator will do or say something that would be completely unacceptable if it were said to someone with good boundaries.
They hand you a "shit sandwich" to see what you do with it.
If you take the
poo panini and don’t put in boundaries, they see that they can take your Power to Create from you.
Know your boundaries and keep them in place.
Set up your life so you are not dependent on someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries and wish YOU well.
It seems that all of us are susceptible to the effects of Dominator and Surrenderer behaviors.
The more you clear your bucket, the less susceptible you will be to these Dominator behaviors.
Remember, those who are fully identified with Dominator behaviors have no access to their power source and are -10 Leaders.
They simply have no real power to create.
They must compete in a very unhealthy and destructive manner to get the power they need.
Their lives depend on it.
It is not a small thing if you are being manipulated by a person with Dominator traits.
But with a good understanding of the human complex, you can guard your vulnerability that makes it possible for them to steal your Power.
Surrenderers are usually confused by the Dominators in their lives.
They are trying to be helpful, without recognizing that this “help” is a projection -- and not helpful.
It is an attempt to have some control in a life that feels out-of-control.
You can come to a place where neither affects you.
Keep working on the steps to ascend the Leadership Score.
What beliefs do you have that don’t support you?
Educate yourself on these two bucket issues:
Codependency and Narcissism – Darlene Lancer
I have noticed some areas in my life where my boundaries are weaker or my bucket leaks a little.
Most of us who have Surrenderer behaviors didn’t get the memo when we were kids that Dominator behaviors existed.
There were probably Dominator and Surrenderer behaviors happening around us that we learned to model.
Those who were told to walk away from Dominators as children were better off, but they didn’t always know why they were walking away.
This exposed them to new circumstances their parents didn’t warn them about in which they could be manipulated by a Dominator.
Put in boundaries.
How do you feel about what is happening to you?
Tell the other person what is and isn’t acceptable.
Change your circumstance when they don’t listen.
This patches the holes in the bucket and helps to remove “unwelcome residents.”
Once we have handled our boundaries, we can get others out of our bucket.
This happens when we know what we want and realize it is not the poo panini being offered.
Their “poo paninis” can be mean comments, flattery, moving into a relationship too fast, asking for too much information, certain gift giving/expenditures.
know when someone is just "not being right" with what they are doing or saying.
Walk away from that trap.
The person is trying to appear to be the big break you are looking for (project, relationship, work, etc.) while also showing you through their "culinary offering" just how much they are going to work to control you -- all while continuing to dangle the carrot of something you want them to be for you.
Take gentle baby steps, learn what you want, and show self-worth through great self-care.
It sounds like all of us have something to learn from this.
We all have some bangs and dings that cause insecurity that is projected into the world around us.
If the insecurity is combined with beliefs that make us want to never repeat a situation, we may exhibit Dominator traits.
When we are feeling overtaken, cornered, frozen, and without a good choice in a situation, we can show signs of Surrenderer behavior.
This isn’t about adopting new or stigmatized labels.
This is about what part of our bucket (missing competencies, limiting beliefs, or past overwhelm) or our control panel makes us think that we must dominate or be dominated.
If we aren’t purely creating, we are projecting insecurity.
And we need to do our work.
If each of us handles our own…
It feels more bleak hearing about all of this.
Learning about some of the factors that have kept us and others stuck on autopilot mode can be jarring at first.
Depending on the health of our bucket, it can even create anger to see these things.
Recognize that Dominator behavior types are not conscious enough to know that they are stuck in a manipulative pattern.
They are programmed that way, learning to hide their identity or adopt an unreal one enforced upon them -- usually at around 2 or 3 years of age.
Recognize that Surrenderers were overtaken early in life, as part of their programming.
Nobody is suffering or causing others to suffer on purpose.
They are programmed that way, stuck in that prison.
We should all strive to intelligently operate our human complex to a state of health.
And help others to learn when appropriate -- if they are capable of receiving help.*
Recognize that all the generations before us are as blameless as we are.
We are certainly responsible for our behavior, as were they.
Yet, the programming was unconscious.
You can change that now for yourself.
Creating a healthier bucket puts all of this into a more healthy perspective.
*Extremely difficult for Surrenderers, often nearly impossible for Dominators.
As a Surrenderer, I feel like I am behind in many areas, and I want to catch up in the areas that are a problem for me.
This is a common challenge for those who were brought up as Surrenderers.
The great news is that you can very rapidly begin to recognize the qualities that make up these behaviors in your autopilot function and the behaviors of Dominators.
Once you have done that and are beginning to take small steps toward living your life on your terms, you can follow what this book series suggests.
When you do, you can become super-fast at learning, spotting beliefs, and resolving traumas.
With effort and commitment – probably less than it takes to manage the Surrenderer challenges – you will begin to execute the autopilot function in a more fulfilling manner.
It does take work, but it really is worth every effort when the results start to happen.
Find resources to learn about codependence – the pitfalls and the path to healing.
Know that every person has experienced neglect of one form or another in their childhood.
If the upbringing was good enough – there may be fewer problems in the bucket.
I loved reading Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb.
It illuminated places where my programming fell short and helped me to reprogram the autopilot.
I still don’t feel like I can readily achieve intelligent mode.
Intelligent mode helps to change our programs, expand our experiences, and improve our beliefs.
It is responsible for increases in our creative power.
Become inspired by a vision, dream, or goal.
If selected well and acted upon, you can fulfill it through finding intelligent mode.
Play a game where you label what is in front of you for one minute.
As you consciously decide that this is a chair and that is a table, you engage intelligent mode and come out of autopilot mode.
Every time you become aware in this very moment about what you sense -- through your 5 senses, what you feel, think, or believe -- you have found intelligent mode.
This form of “smelling the roses” is one of many pathways to access creative power through intelligent mode.
I want to access flow mode.
There are different ways to move through this process. I will highlight a couple of them here.
Assess your current score and plod along to become a more “empowered citizen” in your own life.
That could mean some work that improves your score from 0 to 1 by simply reading a book series like this and applying some of the learning.
Each subsequent improvement could help to raise your score.
This requires commitment.
Decide that you are a +10 leader and then find all the places in which that is not true and change them.
Adopting a new identity can highlight the areas that are inconsistent.
Chapter 4 will cover +10 leadership in greater depth.
Both methods require gap analysis.
Envision an improvement, assess the current state, and select the steps while taking action to close the gap.
I find myself below 0 on the Leadership Score.
When we find ourselves disempowered in the emotional states below 0, those who give help can appear to be a threat.
Our reactions to support can push others away, further reducing our resources.
Recognize that being in survival or fight-or-flight mode is a symptom of a score below 0.
Practicing gratitude for what we already have
can help to change our internal processing of the experiences we are having.
We have so much more than we give ourselves credit for having.
That is part of how we got into a comparative game that created the fight-or-flight response.
Cultivate enough courage to turn around what may feel like a downward spiral.
Foster responsibility and empathy to resolve any difficult life circumstances or relationships that reinforce these lower states.
Creating a habit to relax before decision making -- like baths, silence, massage – can change a stress state into intelligent mode.
Fear-based decisions can be suspect.
Relaxed-state decisions can be less destructive.
My thoughts are out of control.
A great many of our thoughts are like a burp that results from “programming indigestion.”
It is less of a problem that we have thoughts than that we
identify with them, unconsciously making them more important than they really are.
If I have a thought that says to me, “I am unhappy,” I can notice that and simply move on.
But most of us don’t do that.
We take the thought and make it the starting point to our next downward spiral.
We make a story around why we are not happy.
And we continue to share that story with those in our lives.
Listen and assess if the thought is misfiring old recordings or if it is a supportive command, need, idea, or thought.
This is a way to practice using the intelligent mode while helping to eliminate the accumulation of new limiting beliefs.
Forego the temptation to identify with your thoughts.
Don’t engage it or tell a story about it.
Practice being in the driver’s seat of your human complex.
Mindfulness practice is about being completely present in the activity we are doing with our entire human complex.
This takes practice.
Maybe I can spend 3 seconds typing these words while consciously feeling the keys before I go on autopilot mode again.
Next time -- 5 seconds.
More practice, more benefit!
I want to stop projecting the contents of my bucket on others.
The most complete way to stop projecting is to resolve the programming bugs in the bucket.
Until then, be very present to what is going on around you and inside of you.
If you think someone feels a certain way, unconfirmed by them, you are projecting.
Your assumption may be correct – sometimes -- but your projection came from faulty belief filters and activated traumas in your bucket.
Understand that we ALL project.
That is the nature of having a perspective.
With work, our projections become less disruptive to our lives and our relationships.
Blaming (or shaming) others is usually a rich place to find where we are projecting.
What part of that is helping them to return to their humanity?
What part of it is you trying to control them in their actions?
What did you do to make the situation happen?
Are you staying in a job with a Dominator boss without doing anything about it?
Change the situation, if appropriate -- but grow in the process to avoid repeating the pattern.
Does someone behave in a way that you don’t like, while you do it too and don’t like it in yourself?
“You lie, drink too much, overeat, interrupt, etc.”
We need to do this work on ourselves -- only.
Others are responsible for themselves.
Sometimes this means changing our beliefs or handling a trauma.
Sometimes this means changing a relationship or a job.
Listen to yourself and do what is right for you.
I find boundaries to be a confusing topic.
Boundaries are like rules.
When we have a boundary, we can feel it and be clear with others about what we find acceptable or not.
Boundaries are complicated by the contents of our buckets.
Some of our rules come from faulty programming.
We may not want to uphold uninspected rules – or expectations – that we feel in our human complex.
When you feel a negative feeling, notice what was said or done by you or someone else in that moment.
This is intelligent mode.
How do you feel about what was said or done?
Was their behavior appropriate?
Determine if your feeling was appropriate.
I feel upset that my boss selected another employee to present our team project.
I consciously understand that the person was chosen because they worked twice as many hours on the project as anyone else.
Therefore, I know this is a programming “bug” inside of me.
I realize that I have a trauma or a belief I need to find that caused this feeling to arise.
I work with an EFT & Matrix Reimprinting practitioner.
We find a childhood experience when a bully stole my homework and turned it in as his own. I got in trouble with the teacher.
I decided that I would always present my own work – no matter what.
That’s why I felt bad about my colleague!
I want to use what I have learned through life’s challenges.
Every compensation in life can be recycled into an effective tool in a healthy environment with a healthy bucket.
If one has healed from exhibiting Surrenderer traits, they may be more enabled to spot Dominators and to know what healthy boundaries are.
Others who haven’t been through the same experience may not realize what boundaries are, how they can support, and how unhealthy ones can hinder us.
A person in a less safe upbringing might be hyper-vigilant as a compensation.
They may be able to use that to spot character traits and flaws, along with the contents of others’ buckets, and respond in a healthy manner with compassion -- not ignorance.
Finally, when a healthy bucket is back in place, some of the Dominator traits can help in a stressful situation where calm and collected strategizing and executing is necessary
In this case, it is strategizing instead of manipulating, because this healthier bucket is creating, not competing for power.
What do you find easy to do that others find difficult?
This could point to areas where you have learned to compensate during challenges.
Example: Develop many possibilities to solve a single problem.
How can those traits be converted and used to support your power to create?
Example: Use possibility thinking in a brainstorming session.
What entry points can increase my Power to Create.
Our use of language, attachment to thoughts, unconscious beliefs, bodily sensations, feelings, emotions, and 5 senses can all be entry points to increased power.
This can be a complicated -- but fun -- part of doing this work.
Our experience of life is like that of a kaleidoscope.
When one part of the human complex changes, our whole view changes.
Use empowering language patterns to begin to shift all of the unconscious patterns. Something as simple as changing a pattern of constantly say “no” to everything into saying “yes” to supportive events, people, or projects would begin to shift the programming of the entire human complex.
Look at creating similar changes in your relationship to your thoughts and beliefs.
Change “I don’t know” to “I’ll find out.” And do!
Be mindful of your internal and external senses.
Feel the water on your hands when washing dishes.
Notice the feeling that comes up and look at triggers.
Hear yourself when you say, “I can’t do that.”
Any small changes that are implemented will give us more power to make more changes.
My body doesn’t feel like it is supporting me.
The body affects our bucket and vice versa.
Both can increase or diminish the availability of our Power to Create.
Poor-quality food lowers ability.
It lowers mood.
It lowers responsibility.
It lowers capability to see and process the barriers in the bucket, which would release more Power to Create.
Stop eating foods that are low in energy and hard for the body to process.
Study basic nutrition, meal timing, hydration, cleansing practices, structure, exercise, and sleep.
Healthy cells are better able to support our ability to see and process the contents of the bucket.
Healthy physical practices and habits are so key to feeling good on all levels of the human complex.
Adopt your best habits.
How much sleep do you really need?
What foods make you most energetic and healthy?
What exercise habits work best for you?
How much water do you need to drink?
How do you ensure you get that water?
Be the captain of your own ship.